Few notes ago, I wrote that a depression survivor has higher risk for another episode of depression compared to people who has never had any mental illness.

It’s time to open up again. I has been on treatment again for four months now. I’ve been wearing a mask. It’s not easy to let people know I suffer another period. Too many people regard me as their hero, or that I had overcame a tremendous adversary by wining the battle against depression. When people contact me to seek help for their illnesses, I tend to put my problems aside and wear the mask instead in front of them. I needed to live up to their expectation. I wanna help others to get their happy life back, pushing mine to a corner. Maybe mine will come if I have enough credits by helping others to be happy. The thing is, I don’t know how to put down this mask.

So many things on my mind, creating a bottleneck. Family, job, relationship, education, mental health campaign, triathlon and iron man, being available for people to seek solace. It’s never about myself. I tried to get everything right despite my therapist warned me to make a list of priorities. Greedy me, I did them all just to have myself bursted out of pain and hurting people and myself in the process.

There’s hope, for me to win the battle again. And maybe this time, to win the war. However, I have forgotten how to ask for help.